last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
