My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I think I sprained my soul last night
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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