i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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