her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
too bad you live with your parents still
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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