we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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