Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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