If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
