did you get engaged???
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize