Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
