Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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