He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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