I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
