someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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