True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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