He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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