i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize