We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Randomize
