I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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