My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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