she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
