I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize