I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
