hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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