i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Let the clothes fall where they may.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
