Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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