my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
