I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
