Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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