Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
