I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
