Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
