Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
