how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
