She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
