I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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