I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
