New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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