dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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