We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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