did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
