You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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