xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Text me some of your sweat
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
