Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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