Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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