you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize