You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
