If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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