just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize