Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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