Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
