after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
