Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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