Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
