At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
