Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
