strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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