She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
