just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I am midnight drunk by noon
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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