wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize