Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
