your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
