im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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