when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
