i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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