Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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