i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
