$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
