hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
