So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
