my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
