Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The best revenge is premature balding
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
