I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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